I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
