I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
