Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I could make wine with my vomit
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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