I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
