So drunk its hurt
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Randomize
