i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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