the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
