It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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