fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
