If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Randomize
