the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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