How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Couch. On fire.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
