i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
