lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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