I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
