you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
