my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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