In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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