420 ftw
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
