I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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