When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
