when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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