seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
