Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize