two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I understand Curling. That high.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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