when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Sober January is a disaster.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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