I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You made out with two different species that night
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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