Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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