You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
