If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
