I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
