I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize