he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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