dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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