Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
