Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize