I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize