Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
