Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
