i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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