hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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