i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
