sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize