So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize
