I faked an abortion last night.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
