Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
