Apparently you make a good broom.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
