I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize