I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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