There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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