i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
