I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
