I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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