I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
