I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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