What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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