Your face is a jimmy john
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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