The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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