You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
