So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
