Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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