gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
