god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
