i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
