your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
