There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
