i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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