Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
