need another drink. this is the easiest way
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
