bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
