just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
