This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
