Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
