This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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